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An active sexual life often requires a conscious and thoughtful decision about contraception, and the most common method across Europe, North and South America is the pill. That little oral contraceptive that liberated women’s sexual life. Does it still stand for that today?

There’s no arguing that hormones, and the balanced secretion of these, have an enormous importance in what comes to regulate physiological activities and behaviours, such as digestion, sleep, respiration, growth, stress and mood, just to name a few. So hormones can be responsible for really important survival things, but also for other aspects of your life, on a very relevant emotional level: your fear responses (andropause in men will cause decreased production of testosterone which causes changes in behaviour and mood, such as taking less risks, feeling more fearful), how you see yourself and how you respond to others (increased irritability and sensitivity, and depressiveness in certain stages of women’s cycle; variations in sexual drive/libido, self-esteem).

The pill is an oral contraceptive that presents a combination of estrogen and progestogen (both hormones) that trick the body into thinking that it’s pregnant. Its common side effects include blood circulation problems, increased breast cancer risk, reduction in libido and vaginal lubrification, depression, nausea… Well, let’s think about it: pregnant women are usually not jumping around happily, their bodies are going through major changes. A caricature of a woman on the pill can be a fake pregnant lady, crying her eyes out, with no sexual desire, and feeling as pretty as a rag. But more seriously, though, by taking the pill and tricking the body, it makes sense that there are more consequences than not getting pregnant.

Some women with tendency for depression (by the way, one of the most common mental health disorders) will stay, by taking the pill, in a lukewarm soup of blameful thoughts, low self-esteem, difficulty experiencing pleasure, depressiveness in general) – but it will creep in gradually, they get used to feeling this way, and don’t even associate it to the pill.

Who really takes the time to explain this to young women when they are looking for safe contraceptives? And what doctors ever really consider side effects of medication?

So if we put it all together we have the importance of hormone regulation, with female cycles that can already be demanding for emotional stability, plus a magical pill that will influence this delicate balance.

Why, then, would women deliberately mess with all of this, and risk their physical and psychological well being?

Where does this responsibility for avoiding pregnancy come from? It is the female body that becomes pregnant, but it usually does not happen on it’s own. There’s a male part to it.

Like in other issues that concern sexuality and responsibility of women, be it victim blaming in sexual assault, or avoiding pregnancy during the zika virus outbreak, there is a 3 letter word missing from the picture, as Paula Young Lee well noted in her article: ‘The cultural reflex to hold women accountable for male lust and subsequent reproduction is so ingrained that we don’t even notice the asymmetry’.

Why don’t we hear more about the male pill? Or other means of contraception?

Women have become accustomed to having to take responsibility, and to the side effects of this decision.

The pill was indeed part of the sexual revolution (and in some places it’s still a revolution waiting to happen). But times and minds change, and it no longer makes sense to put the anti-conceptional burden solely on women.

So maybe in every day life and sex, this responsibility can be shared, in order to promote healthy minds, bodies, and sexual lives, equality and fairness.

All good things.

This was the title to a recent article on Psychology Today and might be the question a lot of people encounter throughout their lives, either when they're single, or (maybe even more often) when they are in a relationship and it comes up as a doubt: ‘did I make the right decision?’

The article seems to point to a prototype of a partner, a generalized image of a person having traits that suit us all. Those traits would be positive ones: not being arrogant and manipulative, being 'sincere, humble, fair-minded'.

And that would be our (the readers') only option if we want a partner for marrying and live a long happy life together.

Together with the description of the ‘right partner’ with these positive personality traits there was an additional thought - the article seems to point to the idea that if we stop chasing arrogant people we realize that other people (who are maybe not so attractive) are sexy as well.

Well, that's interesting, because slightly arrogant people might be sexy to some of us; a lot of readers might really enjoy the type of people who are in control of their own behaviour, environment, mind and body. And might not give a serious second look to someone who is humble and fair-minded. Or might want them for friends but no for partners. Those are things to consider.

In the same way that some of us might find extremely sexy a person who is a kind listener, or a loud talker, or just really quiet, or impulsive, or …But most importantly, could somebody who shows arrogant traits be, at the same time, a loving person? Could an ill-tempered person be simultaneously the best friend you’ve ever had? Are we all just good or bad?

This other article on The Philosopher's Mail gives it a slightly different taste by focusing on ‘me’, meaning figuring ourselves out before we try to judge others, put them in boxes, or try to change them. If there’s something we can know is that the only person we can change and work on for improvement it’s ourselves, and then we can make better decisions.

So what do we want? What's the best choice? How do we know it?

Can all of these questions be answered by an article? Or several articles? Doesn't it make sense that I will only want a fair-minded person if I enjoy fair-mindedness or I'm one myself?

Maybe what's right for me is not what's right for other people. Could it be that only really balanced people can make it in long-term relationships? Because what you need to make a relationship work is of Homeric strength. What you need to make your life function, in a harmonious manner, on a daily basis with somebody else, and still keep feelings of love, affection, attraction flowing together with a healthy management of sadness, anger and grief going, is truly arduous.

Surely it will be much easier if the person next to you is close to sweet perfection, all balanced out, never having a bad thought or intention, or egotistic behaviour. Oh that would be paradise! Or so we suppose... Because there are not a lot of them out there. Most people are more the type that has flaws. Who are difficult to handle when they're upset; who will treat you in a not so considerate way when they're really struggling. But they might love you and be there for you, every time they can.The struggle I found when faced with giving out rules for relationships and partner seeking, is that relationships are demanding and people are complex.


No point on being on a high horse with a checklist looking for the perfect person; and even if you would manage to find that, then you would really have to face how not-perfect you are. Only you can say what is important for you, what you absolutely value and what you can compromise and work on. And keep forever growing.

©2024 by Lisbon Psychology

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